stop and smell the roses

Today is an exciting day for me... my blog is the "featured blog" today on For The Love of Blogs!  These ladies have created a fabulous community of bloggers from all corners of the world that blog about all different kinds of things.  Head over and check them out if you haven't yet!  And if you're visiting from there - welcome!  Thanks for stopping by, & Enjoy!  Be sure and take a minute to say hi - I loveee to hear from each and every one of you! :)


 The ladies over at FTLOB must be psychic or something, because I really needed a pick me up after the past couple of days.... and I've been all smiles since I saw my post up there this afternoon :)

I tried my best to keep a happy face on this past weekend while the hubby and I celebrated our first anniversary (don't get me wrong, I was very excited to be celebrating our first year of marriage!!) but I wasn't expecting it to be the only thing we were celebrating.

You see, Saturday would have marked the half-way point of my pregnancy.  I had had it all planned out in my head- we would find out at our mid-pregnancy ultrasound whether our peanut was a boy or a girl, keep it sealed in an envelope, and open it together on our anniversary for the ultimate surpise (although, who knows if I would have actually been able to hold out- knowing me I would have ripped the envelope open on the way home from the doctor). 

Once I realized that wasn't going to be happening and that we would instead, once again, be in the "trying" phase of starting our family-- I realized that this past weekend would be when we would get our potential positive test.

Ohhh, what a wonderful anniversary present it would be!  To off-set the sadness of not being able to celebrate the halfway point of pregnancy, we would instead learn that we were expecting again, right?!  We were 2 for 2 in trying so far, so it would always just be that simple every time, right?!

Yeah, right.  That would be way too good to be true. 

That would mean we'd be able to work things out for me to stay home the rest of the first trimester and head over to Finland only a month later than J's departure date.  That would mean our little one would be born at the end of the regular season, in plenty of time before playoffs and wouldn't delay us getting home after the season at all either. 

That would mean we'd catch a break for once.

But you know what, I'm sick of letting things get the best of me.  I'm sick of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed.  I'm sick of constantly feeling that I'm being failed all of the time.  And I'm pretty sure my husband, Mr. Positive himself, is getting sick of me having these negative feelings all the time.  It's been driving him crazy that he cannot "fix" it.

Hockey doesn't grant us much control over any aspect of our lives, so I should be used to this aspect of "no control over things".  I think I'm finally ready to let go of it all and just let it happen.  I don't want to look back and realize how much time I've wasted being disappointed and not being happy with what I have right in front of me.  That doesn't mean we have to stop trying to reach our ultimate goal of having a baby (and hopefully still sooner than later!)  But maybe it's time to start appreciating what we do have.  What we can control. 

The rest will take care of itself from there.  Our time will come, but for now.... I'm going to make a better effort to be happy with what I've got.

What do you appreciate most about your life?  Do you ever find yourself so focused on something that you forget to "stop and smell the roses"?

stop saying "I wish", start saying "I will", part 2

[It was brought to my attention yesterday (by my sweet husband) that I had not written a new post in several days.  He said he was "feeling down" and "needed some inspiration" (he's just a bit dramatic...) and there was nothing new for him to read and be inspired by.  Obviously he was yanking my chain a bit, but he was also right- sorry for abandoning my blog for a few days!]

Aside from my bad habits I fell into from time to time when life threw curveballs that I mentioned in my last post, I'm usually (90% of the time) an obsessive healthy eater.  Especially since we've started trying to have a baby.  I educated myself a lot before we began trying.  I knew that certain foods increase or decrease fertility, some can't or shouldn't be eaten during pregnancy, and that the prenatal vitamin is only supplementing the viatmins and minerals you are already getting from your food.  Going off my previous knowledge, I read a lot (and googled a lot) to adjust my diet accordingly, which wasn't too difficult since we were already eating fairly healthy, with the exception of a soda or some ice cream here and there (as in, a once or twice a week treat here and there).  Aside from trying to keep up with my hubby's hot bod, attempting to have a baby is the perfect motivation for me to continue a healthy lifestyle.

Anyways, here are my tips for eating and staying healthy, pregnant or not.  Hopefully you can take something from them to help you with your healthy living goals as well:

-Adjust calorie intake according to your body and the activities you do.  I don't understand why they generalize everyones diet into a 2,000 calorie diet when body sizes, metabolism, daily activities and other factors make such a huge difference in how many calories you should take in for a day.  Here's a good way to calculate how many calories you should be eating, offered by Shape magazine (and remember, being pregnant doesn't mean eating for TWO! You only need about 300 extra calories per day):

If you are age 30 or under, multiply your weight by 6.7 and add 487; women who are 31-60  should multiply their weight by 4 and add 829. Then, multiply the total by 1.3 if you're sedentary (don't work out at all), 1.5 if you're slightly active (work out three to four times a week for one hour), 1.6 if you're moderately active (work out four to five times a week for one hour) or 1.9 if you're very active (work out almost every day for one hour). 

-Cut out foods that don't have much or anything to offer.  Like white bread and soda.  You want to make every calorie count, so don't fill up your daily allowance with foods that aren't nutrient rich.  They'll leave you less satisfied and more hungry, also... so you'll end up eating twice as much.

-Diet/Light/Low Fat, etc. isn't always better!  Almost all of the time when fat and calories are taken out of foods to make them 'diet' or 'light' or 'sugar free', something else is being put into foods to replace them.  Often times this comes in the form of more sodium or sugar, both of which can be very detrumental to your health if you're getting too much.  And that Diet soda that is so appealing with it's 0 calories and 0 sugar?  Guess what, it's still soda.  The artificial sweeteners and caffiene aren't good for anyone for many reasons, especially pregnant women.

-Some fat is necessary in your diet.  Some fats help absorb vitamins and minerals, and others, like Omega-3's, have a wide array of benefits- like heart health, cell growth/repair & improved brain function (to name a few)

-Eat fresh foods in their most natural state.  They say shop the outsides of the grocery store and stay clear of the middle.  That's because most of the middle aisles are filled with processed foods.  When foods are processed, many times minerals and nutrients are lost... along with A LOT of other things being added in.  Stick to fresh fruits and veggies (buy organic when possible, especially 'thin-skinned' fruits and veggies that absorb more pesticides) and meat and poultry that has been raised all natural, without antibiotics and growth hormones.  This is a big one for us.... not only is it inhumane and sickening how almost all of the chicken, beef, etc. is raised and produced in our country (read Food Inc if you don't believe me)... but if you have tasted the 'good stuff' that has been raised properly and naturally, you'll know why it's worth a few extra bucks.  You'll never go back to eating the 'other stuff' again!

-Eat at home.  We eat out maybe 2 times a month, tops.  Seriously.  Obviously it's much easier and quicker to go out to eat or order a pizza, but we are both extremely turned off by the amount of calories, fat, sodium, carbs, etc. etc. found in foods prepared in restaurants.  The supposed "healthy" foods on the menu are still always cooked using unhealthy oils and Lord knows what else.  If we're the ones making the food (usually from scratch), we know exactly what is going into our bodies and how it is being cooked.

-Take a daily multivitamin.  In case you fall short in a certain vitamin or mineral category for the day, a multivitamin will help ensure that you are still getting sufficient amounts necessary each day.

-Exercise!!  Take the dog for a walk.  Ride your bike to do an errand.  Take a detour to the gym after work.  Anything that gets you up and off the couch, really.  Eating healthy only takes you so far, you must combine it with exercise in order to keep your body in it's best, healthiest working order.  Plus, you'll have more energy and be a happier person, too!

-Moderation.  Don't give up your favorite treats entirely.  Allow yourself to have a cupcake or a can of Pepsi now and then.  It will keep your cravings in check, and prevent you from going on an all-day binge at some point.  Plus, life is supposed to be fun... isn't it?!  What fun is it if we can't indulge in a special treat now and then?!  Just remember, moderation is the key.  Allow yourself 1-3 "treats" per week :)


I hope my tips will inspire you to adjust your lifestyle accordingly as well.  There are many little changes that can make a big difference, and once you get into the routine, it's fairly easy to stick to.  My problem was that when I lost control of things in my life (like losing my babies), I let myself lose control of everything else as well.  Not to mention there were lots of restrictions on exercise and activity that kept me from doing a lot of things I normally do.  It's okay to go through these rough patches, just make sure you set a time frame for yourself and get back with the program sooner rather than later.  Your body will thank you! :)

Do you have a healthy living tip you'd like to share?  What helps motivate you to say "I WILL" instead of "I WISH"?

stop saying "I wish", start saying "I will"

Our income is earned solely from the use of my husband's body.  If something happens to it, that's the end.

No more paycheck.

Not only does it have to be in working order on a daily basis, but it has to be in peak physical condition year-round. 

Being a professional athlete requires one to dedicate his/her body to the sport.  Day after day of skating, lifting weights, doing conditioning exercises, etc. adds up quickly. 

When my husband goes to work each day, he burns nearly 2,000 calories.

As you can imagine, as a wife of a professional athlete, you already have to work very hard to not get lost in the shadow of your spouse.  Aside from all that, you want to keep up with him in the physical category, too.  Or at least I do.... I am very competitive, and I could never sit around and do nothing while my hubby flashes around his hot bod. 

Last summer, I was at my peak physical condtion.  Toned arms, toned legs, toned stomach, very heart-healthy.  I felt great, and I looked great. 

However, attempting to have a baby, being pregnant, (then not pregnant), then pregnant again, (then not pregnant again), then attempting to concieve a third time, weighs heavily on your body.  Your body doesn't work properly if you're over-active, and obviously losing prenancies and having surgery is very limiting.  Not to mention the fact that I have [more than once] fallen into the trap of 'eating my feelings' when I've been sad.

It's extremely frustrating- I really enjoy working out, and I'm normally a very healthy eater.  When uncontrollable circumstances affect these activities (well, okay... I'm guilty of the unhealthy eating from time to time...)  you can't help but feel a little lost from normal routine.  It was like groundhog day:  I was exercising less and eating extremely healthy while trying to concieve/being pregnant, then falling into the unhealthy eating habit after learning the pregnancy failed.... then trying to concieve/succeeding again and jumping back on the healthy bandwagon, then failing again and falling into the unhealthy tailspin again. 

Then, I realized: all I need to do is re-evaluate and modify.  If I have it written out, it will be much easier to follow, and I'll be less-likely to fall into the bad habits again.

My goals are:

• to maintain a weight that is both healthy for me and keeps me in the best possible condtion for concieving.  If I need to be 5 pounds heavier off the bat to provide a good cushion for my little one to arrive and stay safe, so be it.  A small sacrifice to pay.
• to re-tone my arms.  I know the muscle is under there, it's just not wanting to show it's face as much as it used to.  I quit most weight-bearing exercise at the start of my 2nd pregnancy in fear of it harming the baby (though knowing it wouldn't), and also after my surgery.  Time for the guns to come back out again.
• legs and abs are another story.  They concern me more since they are closer to my baby-making parts.  I'm okay with them being a little less-toned for now.
• Make sure that every single food/drink I put in my body every day is providing me some sort of nutritional benefit.

And I'm getting there by:

• Walking the dog, walking on the treadmill, going for bike rides outside with J, swimming outside in the pool.
• Low weight/high reps with hand weights and resistance bands (same as I did last summer/fall)
• Ab exercises that avoid crunching motions, like plank variations.
• Eating a well-balanced, healthy diet, and avoiding the temptations of all the lovely junk food here in the U.S.... which is simple, once I put my sadness aside.  As long as I don't let myself eat my feelings, it's pretty easy to do.  We've gotten back in the habit of making balanced, healthy meals from scratch now that I'm willing to spend more time on it again (recipes to come soon! :) ).
• Accepting the fact that my child-bearing/attempting body is just not going to look the same as it did on my wedding day.  Not until post-baby, at least... :)

What do you do to keep your health on track?  Have any of you recently had to modify eating/exercise habits for any reason?  I'd love to hear what works for YOU!

not giving up :)

Thank you to those of you who sent kind and encouraging words my way over the past few days.  Things got better in time for the weekend- thanks to keeping so busy!  J's brother was in town, along with his fiancee and her family.  I mentioned before about how I was throwing her a bridal shower- which, by the way- was a huge success!   And the guys played some golf and went to a baseball game for some 'bachelor party' activities.  It was so wonderful to be able to see them all again... it really stinks being so far away all the time and only being able to see one another once or twice a year :(   Now it's the final countdown to their wedding in a few weeks, and I couldn't be more excited for them! ♥

The hubs also does an amazing job of encouraging me to keep my head up.  He has definitely has had his times of sadness and grief, but he is a go-getter kind of guy and is not one to accept failure.  He will keep getting back on the horse and persist until he has succeeded.  His attitude and influence has helped me see the light through the pain of it all.  I hate to say that anything good has come from our situation, because it hasn't, but I have realized through this experience just how truly strong I am, and also how strong we are as a couple.

Here's to hoping good things are to come our way in the near future!

i can't imagine heaven's lullabies, and what they must sound like...

Sorry to go sad on you all... but I'm really missing our babies tonight.  I thought I've been doing pretty well, but then there's those times that it just hits you all over again.  Like the fact that....

• baby #1 would be 22 weeks right now [the size of a papaya, 11 inches long!] or baby #2 would be almost 18 weeks [the size of a sweet potato, 5.5 inches long!]
• we'd know the sex of either baby #1 or baby #2 by now (or very, very soon) and I'd be going nuts buying all kinds of cute little outfits and things for him/her- not to mention he/she would surely have their first pair of hockey skates by now.
• and therefore we'd have a name picked out for our sweet little one as well!
• I'd be feeling either of our little peanuts moving by now, and he/she would be able to hear our voices speaking to him/her and telling him/her how much we love them and can't wait to meet them
• We'd only have to wait a few short months to meet our little one, see what he/she looks like, and start learning what kind of little person he/she is. 

But instead, I've got nothing.  Two angel babies looking down on us from heaven.  I guess that's better than none, but I would give anything for our sweet little one(s) to be with me in my belly right now.  It doesn't help that I still get e-mails and phone notifications telling me "Congratuations! You're 17 weeks pregnant today!" or remembering all of the plans that we had made thinking there was a little one on the way, or when somebody [innocently] asks when we're "going to have babies already?!". 

What upsets infuriates me even more is to see others take their pregnancy or child for granted.  Like the lady at our pool who is 20-some weeks pregnant and smokes 5+ cigarettes in the 2.5 hours she's at the pool while munching on a wide variety of junk foods.  Or that freaking Casey Anthony trial (she's soooo guilty).  How could someone kill their sweet, innocent child like that?  

Please give your child (or beautiful baby belly) an extra hug and kiss tonight and make sure to tell them how much you love them.  Don't forget to take time to step back and realize how blessed you truly are! 

As for those of you in situations similar to us, I hope that you will find comfort in knowing that you are not alone... and that surely, there are better days to come ♥

"Glory Baby" by Watermark

[as posted on My Baby Still]

Glory baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..

You were growing, what happened dear?

You disappeared on us baby…baby..

Heaven will hold you before we do

Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…

Until we’re home with you…

And we miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a

day when we will hold you

We will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

We will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to

understand it ‘cause we’re hurting

We are hurting

But there is healing

And we know we’re stronger people through the growing

And in knowing-

That all things work together for our good

And God works His purposes just like He said He would…

Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies

and what they must sound like

But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home

And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

what girl doesn't love jewelry?!

Whoa, it's been a crazy one in our household lately!  I feel like we've hardly had time to sit down in the last week or so.  It's kind of a nice change of pace though... come those dark, cold, boring January days in Finland while the hubby's at an away game, I'll be dreaming of these busy days with so much to do!

I'm pretty excited tonight because I just got home from a jewelry making class.  I started making jewelry a month or so ago after my 2nd miscarriage and surgery that followed.  I really needed/wanted a hobby that was all my own and thought that making a few fun pieces would be fun. 

So, I loaded up on supplies at Michael's and other craft/bead stores and began to wing it.  I've really impressed myself with how well I've done so far, and more importantly, I've been having fun doing it.  It's been very theraputic for me and has definitely taken my mind off of the events of recent months and given me back some of the drive and motivation that I lost during that time. 

Since I've enjoyed it so much, I decided to sign up and do a class or two at a local bead/jewelry store.  It was a Wire class, which is what I've really wanted to get better at.  She showed us lots of tips and tricks and we made a pair of earrings to take home: 

Not exactly the beads I would have picked out myself if I had the choice(especially since they're like different colors!) but I'm pretty proud of myself.  I've considered starting a little business out of it (with J being my investor, of course :) )  so we'll have to see what happens.  I even joked about renting a place at the Christmas Market in Helsinki this year... haha!  The 2nd part probably won't be happening.... but stay tuned, I may just have some nice jewelry pieces for sale soon! :)

Here are some of my first pieces:

I'm busy planning my sister-in-law-to-be's Bridal Shower for this weekend (along with a million other things goin on), but check back soon- I'll be writing a post about the shower favors that I made! (no, they're not jewelry :) )

giuliana & bill

Giuliana and Bill Rancic were on the tv show The Doctors today and I could not have been more excited.  They're one of my fav celeb couples, and could possibly be my new Nick & Jessica (they'll never be replaced, but it's about time I start moving on...). 

source

I really connected with Giuliana and Bill by fluke right after my first miscarriage in February.  Since I was pretty much bedridden (more by choice than anything) for like a week after the beginning, I had to find some new shows to watch.  I had seen Giuliana and Bill a couple times before, but didn't know a whole lot about them or their show.  She's a E! personality and he won The Apprentice.  But, as I began watching the show, I learned about their struggles with fertility and the heartache they were experiencing as a result.  Giuliana did finally get pregnant (thanks to IVF), only to suffer a miscarriage at 8 weeks. 

That was it.  We bonded immediately.  She was my new bff, even though she doesn't know it.  I felt so connected to them through our mutual heartache and grief, and as much as it breaks my heart to see someone else going through such an awful thing, I realized we were not alone.  It doesn't matter who you are, how much money you have, what you do for a job... you are still at the mercy of God's will.

As I laid in bed watching their heartwrenching story play out through the episodes, I was grieving with them.  Since I had never been through a loss like that before, I had no idea how to act or what to expect.  I barely even knew about miscarriage or how common it is.  Giuliana and Bill opened my eyes and helped me regain a positive attitude.  If they weren't giving up after trying for so long, neither was I.

I praise Giuliana and Bill for being so open about their fertility issues and pregnancy loss.  They are trying very hard to get rid of the negative stigma that surronds the topics of infertility and miscarriage and helping people realize that they don't have to suffer in silence.  That they are not alone.  This was exactly their message on The Doctors today, and I commend them for using their 'fame' as a means to communicate these issues. 

If you haven't seen Giuliana and Bill's show or read their book I Do, Now What?  I highly recommend them. The book is great for any newly married couple (or any married couple for that matter!) and has tons of great advice.  I'm about 3/4 of the way through it, and even the hubs has read a few chapters (though he won't admit to it I'm sure).  They're an adoreable couple and I just can't get enough of them!

ohhh, the irony

So, there we have it.  That's what our crazy rollercoaster life has looked like in the past several months (months? is that all? it seems like it's been years...).  Obviously since this blog is a blog about my life and my life has changed a lot recently, it will adapt along with me.  I want to incorporate stories and posts about pregnancy loss and trying to have a baby (both our journey and in general) in my writing and hopefully do my little part in the world to help make pregnancy loss not such a scary thing to talk about. 

I find the title of my blog to be continuously ironic, and even though my blog will now be including topics in addition to 'hockey life', I think it is still very fitting.  Things are constantly changing in our lives, there is no 'normal'.  The few things that I thought I actually did have control of in this crazy hockey life have proved me wrong.  Changes come in the matter of an instant, and our whole lives can be turned upside down once again.  All we can do is adapt.

 I am excited for you all to follow along in our journey.  Whether you're here to read about hockey, babies, pregnancy&miscarriage, or any of the other thoughts and stories I'll be bringing to the table, I hope you are able to find plenty to peak your interest.  And hey, maybe you'll even learn something new!  If you enjoy reading, don't forget to become a follower and enter your e-mail address to stay up to date with what's going on :)

I sure hope it's not really the end of the world today... there is still so much more I want to accomplish!  Enjoy your Saturday, and hope we all make it to see Sunday! ;)

only time will tell

Well, I honestly don't even know where to start with getting you all caught up to speed... so excuse me if my thoughts are a little scattered.  It's been a complete rollercoaster the last 4 months or so, and I can't even express in writing all of the intense feelings I have felt in this time. 

Remember this post from back in February about the guys' outdoor "Winter Classic" game and how awesome it was?  Well, it was, indeed, awesome.... but for me, not so much.  For me, it marked my 6th (known) day of my first ever pregnancy, and, unfortunately, the last. 

We found out the previous Sunday- January 30th- that we were expecting our first little "Baby D."  We had just started "pulling the goalie" that month (sorry, had to use the lame hockey reference to lighten things up a bit :) )  and had no idea what to expect.  So, needless to say, we were over the moon (and have the pictures from that afternoon to prove it!)  That week was spent shopping for What to Expect When You're Expecting and The Everything Daddy-to-Be books, making sure our already healthy diets were even healthier, and quietly sharing our elated-ness with eachother. 

We had no idea our whole little bubble of excitement would be turned upside down in a matter of a week.  And on the same day as the Winter Classic game, none-the-less.  By Saturday morning, we had a pretty good idea that our happy little lives may not be happy for much longer.  I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed under the covers and not come out for a week or two, and I know J would have been right there with me.  But, there are no 'sick' or 'personal' days in hockey- certainly not on the day of the biggest game of the year.  You just keep on keepin' on...

I was already planning to host the other wives' & girlfriends at our place before the game, since we lived right next to the stadium.  Since no one knew I was pregnant (& we weren't even positive what was 'wrong') I dried my tears and put my best big-girl smile on.  It was, after all, the biggest game of the year- no way I was missing that! 

Things got progressively worse during the game, and on top of that, the hubs was struggling out there.  Funny thing is, I didn't even notice him having a rough time with everything I had going on in my head (which, for those of you who know me, is a huge surprise.  I am the queen of critiquing his play- good and bad!)  As cool and exciting as the game was, I wanted to get the heck out of there... FAST.  I missed the after-party with the team & hubs had to make a quick appearance and book it home to be by my side.  Sure, the party wasn't that big of a deal.... but I can think of about a million places I'd have rather been than in our bed having that experience that night. 

It absolutely broke my heart that the experience of that game was ruined for both of us.  Could not have been worse timing.  And, oh, that's not all of my sob story.  Not even close.  I not only had to run home that night to tend to my body, but I was supposed to hop on Skype to talk with my Grandpa whose cancer was getting progressively worse and wasn't expected to make it more than a couple weeks.  Once again, time to put on my big girl face and act like I just had the time of my life at the game.  The emotions of everything- the miscarriage, my Grandpa- were some of the most overwhelming I've ever felt.  I'm crying just sitting here thinking about it.

As difficult as it was, I am eternally thankful that I was able to talk to and see my Grandpa that night on Skype.  It broke my heart to be so far away at the very end of his life.  He was such a wonderful man and has provided me with so many amazing childhood memories that I will never, ever forget.  I am lucky to have called him "Grandpa" (even though my biological grandfather had passed away before I was born) and am so happy to have had him in my life.  He passed away the following Friday.

Throughout the next couple days after the Winter Classic game, our fears were confirmed.  I had an early miscarriage at right around 5 weeks.  It all happened naturally, and by the time I saw the doctor that Wednesday it was complete.  We were crushed, and as bad of timing it was when it had started, the day after the "Winter Classic" started a week-long break in the league, which helped so much.  We skipped town to Stockholm to have a few much needed days away.  After returning from Stockholm, the grief was (slowly) wearing and we were starting to accept our fate.  The doctor had put no restrictions on trying again, so we began right away. 

In the meantime, exactly one week after my Grandpa passed away, my Uncle passed away from cancer as well.  I don't think our hearts could have taken much more at that point.  February 2011 was officially the.worst.month.ever.  "At least it's the shortest month" is the only positive thing I could think of to keep reminding myself.

So, February's twenty-eight days finally came and went, and we were onto March.  Whew, we made it out alive.  Not long into the new month- 9 days to be exact- we learned that we were pregnant again (!!).  We were soooo excited, and shocked.  We had no idea it would happen so fast.  But this time, there was a new feeling in the air as well: fear.  The first pregnancy was so ignorantly blissful- we would have never imagined those first days that our sweet little one wouldn't make it.  Miscarriage?  Nah, not us.  We're 24.  We're beyond healthy.  That sort of thing only happened to older couples or people who lived unhealthy lifestyles, didn't it?  WRONG.  Now we were living with the knowledge that it can happen to us, we're not immune to miscarriage.  Pregnancy loss doesn't discrimiate.

We decided to be "cautiously optimistic" this time around and would take it week by week, day by day.  My first doctor's appointment was scheduled for March 30th, which seemed like an eternity away.  Until then, all we could do was make sure I was doing everything right, and that dreaded four letter word: wait.  The days came and went, and finallllllllllllly March 30th came.  By this point, the guys had lost out of the first round of playoffs 2 days before and we were scheduled to head home April 2nd.  I was terrified sitting and waiting at the doctor, not knowing what to expect.  We went in, she flipped on the ultrasound screen, and there it was.  Our little peanut, heartbeat flickering and all.  He/she only looked like a little blob, but it was amazing.  On top of that, we dated almost a full week ahead (7weeks 4days) of what I had predicted- skipping ahead a week? we'll take it! Plus, we also knew that the risk of miscarriage greatly drops once you see a heartbeat.  Ahhh, a sigh of relief.  We celebrated with lunch at Pizza Hut (one of our go-to's in Finland when we're missing home) and could not stop thinking and talking about all of the exciting things to come in our life.

I was a little nervous for our long plane ride home to the U.S. thanks to some of the lovely pregnancy symptoms I was having.  I cringe going to the bathrooms on planes in the first place (and will only do so when it's a realllly long flight, no matter how bad I have to go) and here I was, going every hour.  Gross.  Not to mention the lovely nausea- however, that was made better with the help of "sea bands"- bracelets used for motion sickness (I highly recommend them!).  And the worst part- the hunger!  I have a crazy appetite as it is, much less when my body is requiring extra calories and has a revved up metabolism.  I swear the flight attendant wanted to strangle me when J kept asking for more pretzels, crackers and Sprite for his wife... (I'm sure if I had had a big round, obviously pregnant belly at that point, she would have felt bad for the 'poor pregnant lady' and happily gave them to me, instead of basically throwing them at us).  But, we made it all in one piece.

We told our parents within a day or two of getting home.  We had told them about the miscarriage in February, so the "Surprise! You're going to be grandparents!" element was already kind of ruined anyways. Plus, we now had pictures of our little peanut and stories about seeing the heartbeat to share.  I was 8 weeks and some days at this point, and we were feeling pretty confident.  And speaking of 'feeling' things- I sure was feeling the pregnancy symptoms, alright.  Every night I went to bed with a big, bloated, full belly... and every morning I woke up (at 6am) starving and reaching for the pretzels I'd left on the nightstand the night before in anticiaption.  The fatigue was crazy- most nights I fell asleep on the couch or in a chair well before 8pm.  I can't imagine what it would have been like had I been working full time. I don't know how those ladies do it!  But as obnoxious as these crazy symptoms were, they kept a big, huge smile on my face, because surely it meant everything it was going right.  Right?

The first weeks of April we also happened to be staying at my in-laws, so we didn't have any unpacking or moving to do yet.  Lots of free time on our hands, which meant lots of planning, prepping and daydreaming.  We couldn't stop thinking about our little one- was it a boy or a girl, what he/she would look like, names, etc.  I had the thoughts all planned out in my head: we would find out the sex in middle-late June, just in time to go crazy at all of the adoreable little baby stores before we head back to Finland in July.  We bought more books, even a little outfit or two (unisex of course, just for fun!) and were (this) close to buying a stroller and carseat (we know exactly what one we want, and got pretty excited about it before we realized we better slow down a bit).  We had all kinds of time on our hands before we moved into our place and before my doctor's appointment on April 20th, and we spent the majority of it planning for "Baby D."

Then, the day of my appointment was finally here.  We knew we'd be getting an ultrasound, and were so excited to see our little peanut again, but this time looking more like a little human than a blob.  As I saw our little one appear on the screen, my heart started to race.  I knew instantly that it should be bigger than what I was seeing (I should know, I had googled what 10w 4d ultrasounds look like, after all <-- wow, that makes me sound like one of those crazy, intense pregnant ladies!  I'm not, I swear!)  and when she clicked around to measure the baby it showed up "8w2d".  My heart sank.  I frantically searched the screen for that beautiful little flickering heartbeat, but it wasn't so apparent like it was last time.  Then, she uttered the most heart-shattering of words:  "There doesn't seem to be a heartbeat.  I'm so sorry."

I froze.  It took a minute or two for the reality to sink in before I started to cry.  I looked over at J.  He was crushed also.  The doctor gave us a couple minutes, then sent us down to have a more thourough ultrasound done to be sure.  Before we knew it, we were scheduling my D&C surgery for the following Tuesday- the day after J's birthday.  I was supposed to be carrying out the Your Pregnancy Week by Week book and pamphlets along with beautiful ultrasound pictures of our baby and a huge smile on my face.  Instead all I got was a packet about miscarriage and my upcoming surgery, which instantly became stained from teardrops.

The rest of that week and Easter were really rough, I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch and sob & yearn for my baby.  It made me sick to my stomach knowing that my sweet little baby was inside of me, but no longer living.  I felt like I had failed him or her, bigtime.  Millions of thoughts ran through our heads over the few weeks following- Why us?  Why did this happen?  What did we do wrong?  among many, many, many other things.  I kicked and screamed and cried-  All I wanted was for my baby back.  This wasn't supposed to happen, not again!

It has been an absolutely devistating time, and I can honestly say, our lives will never be the same.  The emotional pain has by far outweighed the physical pain of it all.  There are still so many questions left unanswered, and many of them will probably stay that way.  I really cannot even put into words what this experience has been like, or all of the different emotions I have felt, but I'm going to try, through this blog.  My perspective, my outlook on life, has all changed. The feelings are still very raw, but the "acceptance" stage has once again set in that we will no longer get to meet our little one in November. We're back to square one and I have no idea where life will take us from here.  Only time will tell.




*J and I agreed for me to write about such a personal time in our lives for a couple reasons.  One, the support we have gotten from opening up to family and friends has been amazing.  It's been very theraputic to talk to other people about this difficult time in our lives and know that we have their love, support and prayers.  It's amazing how many people you find out have had similar troubles or experiences that you just never knew about until it gets brought up.  That's another reason why I really wanted to write about it- I hate the fact that miscarriage & pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject.  If it's so common, why doesn't anyone speak about it?  The grief that couples experience with pregnancy loss is not any less significant than another loss.  Each was an individual child that was extremely loved, cared for, and dreamt about.  I know first-hand how great the support feels as a grieving person, and I cannot simply turn my head, shut my mouth, look the other way and move on like nothing has happened.   It's said that anywhere from 15-25% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, so where the heck are all the other couples who've experienced a similar loss?  Are they suffering in silence?  How come it takes one person to "come out" about their troubles for all the rest to come out of the woodwork with their stories?  I want the other suffering women and men (hey, men grieve, too!) to know they are not alone and that they don't have to suffer in silence.  So, that's my third and final reason.  If we can help or inspire even one person through my blog, then I'm a happy woman.