Time to explore Minnesota and these 10,000 things they say they have to do. Enjoy your short holiday week everyone, be back Friday!
5.30.2011
much needed getaway :)
Sorry in advance to all you lovely blog readers out there. We're heading to Minnesota tomorrow for the rest of the week and I'm not sure if there will be much (if any) time to post anything new. We've had several different vacation plans (Europe trip, Florida...) change in the past couple months with the pregnancy and then the loss, so I guess we're settling for good ol' Minnesota instead. Time to get away for a bit, "relax", and see some old friends! (I use the term relax very loosely, because the main purpose of our trip is so the hubs can work out with a teammate. I wasn't kidding when I said the guy's gotta always be doing something productive!) In honor of our trip, I thought I'd share this obnoxious lovely tourism commercial that plays about 5 times a day on our tv's here:
5.28.2011
picked this baby up....
.... for our Finnish home today. We saw it on our way out of the store and couldn't resist!
Happy Memorial Day Weekend to my fellow Americans! Have a fun and safe weekend, and don't forget to remember and thank our fallen heros!
5.27.2011
two months from tomorrow
It's not even Memorial Day yet, and our summer is at the half way point. In fact, Memorial Day itself marks the exact half-way point of our time back here in the States. We got back on April 2nd, and head back July 28th. Yup. July. 28th. Two months from tomorrow.
I still don't understand why the hockey season (in Europe, at least) starts in August. J's first team 'responsibility' is August 1st. I don't know about you, but I want to be sitting by the pool in the 85+ degree weather of August. Not hanging out in an ice arena. I'm constantly wondering to myself, that if hockey is considered a winter sport, why does the season start in the hottest month of the year?
I guess I shouldn't be complaining, because J's teammates back in Finland are required to work out and skate with the team even during the summer. They get a couple weeks off after the season, then they're back at it until mid-June-ish, and get another small break between then and August 1st. Some of the teams even make their North American/import players come back over for this period of time. I can't imagine. We get 3 (maybe 4, like this year) months to be home.... in our home country, speaking our native language, to see family and friends, to live with all of the rest of our possessions that we can't fit into a couple suitcases. And most importantly, to just mentally un-wind from the season.
But, (as much as I want it to), that doesn't mean that J just gets to sit next to me by the pool with a drink in his hand the whole time. In fact, I wish he'd take a little more time off. But that's just not him. I think he took maybe a week off (including travel days) after the season before he started working out again. He's a guy that's gotta be doing something to get better all the time or it will eat away at him. He has to get to the gym at exactly the same time every day. His workout is all precisely timed, and he would never even dream of missing a set or skipping his bike ride for the day. Several days, after he works out, he goes to the rink to shoot pucks around. He drinks protein shakes like they're water. I tease him a lot about being too stiff, but I do admire his dedication. He's constantly wanting to improve himself, and really lives by that motto of 'every day you take off is a day your competion is using to get better than you' or however it goes. It is his job, after all... and just like with any other job, if you don't work hard and perform well, you'll get fired.
At the same time, this is our 'vacation' time from his job. During the season, you work weekends and nights, in addition to days. Even when you're not at the rink, an event, or traveling, most of the time is spent according to the hockey schedule. If J has a game the next day, we're not going to go walk and tour around the city that afternoon. That concert you wanted to go to? Forget it, it's a game night. Oh, you wanted to go for a little weekend getaway to leave the stresses of a bad week behind? Not a chance- there's 2 games to be played!
It is most definitely a lifestyle choice, and for every negative thing about it a positive comes with it. Like this nice long summer vacay that we have. It all balances out. For all you hockey fans out there, I'm sure by the end of one season, the next season cannot come soon enough. But not for me. For me, it can wait just a little. My brain needs a break from it all. I've still got some rays to soak up and family to spend time with. I can't begin to think about packing up our lives into a couple suitcases again and starting the trek across the Atlantic. Not just yet.
I still don't understand why the hockey season (in Europe, at least) starts in August. J's first team 'responsibility' is August 1st. I don't know about you, but I want to be sitting by the pool in the 85+ degree weather of August. Not hanging out in an ice arena. I'm constantly wondering to myself, that if hockey is considered a winter sport, why does the season start in the hottest month of the year?
I guess I shouldn't be complaining, because J's teammates back in Finland are required to work out and skate with the team even during the summer. They get a couple weeks off after the season, then they're back at it until mid-June-ish, and get another small break between then and August 1st. Some of the teams even make their North American/import players come back over for this period of time. I can't imagine. We get 3 (maybe 4, like this year) months to be home.... in our home country, speaking our native language, to see family and friends, to live with all of the rest of our possessions that we can't fit into a couple suitcases. And most importantly, to just mentally un-wind from the season.
But, (as much as I want it to), that doesn't mean that J just gets to sit next to me by the pool with a drink in his hand the whole time. In fact, I wish he'd take a little more time off. But that's just not him. I think he took maybe a week off (including travel days) after the season before he started working out again. He's a guy that's gotta be doing something to get better all the time or it will eat away at him. He has to get to the gym at exactly the same time every day. His workout is all precisely timed, and he would never even dream of missing a set or skipping his bike ride for the day. Several days, after he works out, he goes to the rink to shoot pucks around. He drinks protein shakes like they're water. I tease him a lot about being too stiff, but I do admire his dedication. He's constantly wanting to improve himself, and really lives by that motto of 'every day you take off is a day your competion is using to get better than you' or however it goes. It is his job, after all... and just like with any other job, if you don't work hard and perform well, you'll get fired.
At the same time, this is our 'vacation' time from his job. During the season, you work weekends and nights, in addition to days. Even when you're not at the rink, an event, or traveling, most of the time is spent according to the hockey schedule. If J has a game the next day, we're not going to go walk and tour around the city that afternoon. That concert you wanted to go to? Forget it, it's a game night. Oh, you wanted to go for a little weekend getaway to leave the stresses of a bad week behind? Not a chance- there's 2 games to be played!
It is most definitely a lifestyle choice, and for every negative thing about it a positive comes with it. Like this nice long summer vacay that we have. It all balances out. For all you hockey fans out there, I'm sure by the end of one season, the next season cannot come soon enough. But not for me. For me, it can wait just a little. My brain needs a break from it all. I've still got some rays to soak up and family to spend time with. I can't begin to think about packing up our lives into a couple suitcases again and starting the trek across the Atlantic. Not just yet.
5.26.2011
giuliana & bill
Giuliana and Bill Rancic were on the tv show The Doctors today and I could not have been more excited. They're one of my fav celeb couples, and could possibly be my new Nick & Jessica (they'll never be replaced, but it's about time I start moving on...).
I really connected with Giuliana and Bill by fluke right after my first miscarriage in February. Since I was pretty much bedridden (more by choice than anything) for like a week after the beginning, I had to find some new shows to watch. I had seen Giuliana and Bill a couple times before, but didn't know a whole lot about them or their show. She's a E! personality and he won The Apprentice. But, as I began watching the show, I learned about their struggles with fertility and the heartache they were experiencing as a result. Giuliana did finally get pregnant (thanks to IVF), only to suffer a miscarriage at 8 weeks.
That was it. We bonded immediately. She was my new bff, even though she doesn't know it. I felt so connected to them through our mutual heartache and grief, and as much as it breaks my heart to see someone else going through such an awful thing, I realized we were not alone. It doesn't matter who you are, how much money you have, what you do for a job... you are still at the mercy of God's will.
As I laid in bed watching their heartwrenching story play out through the episodes, I was grieving with them. Since I had never been through a loss like that before, I had no idea how to act or what to expect. I barely even knew about miscarriage or how common it is. Giuliana and Bill opened my eyes and helped me regain a positive attitude. If they weren't giving up after trying for so long, neither was I.
I praise Giuliana and Bill for being so open about their fertility issues and pregnancy loss. They are trying very hard to get rid of the negative stigma that surronds the topics of infertility and miscarriage and helping people realize that they don't have to suffer in silence. That they are not alone. This was exactly their message on The Doctors today, and I commend them for using their 'fame' as a means to communicate these issues.
If you haven't seen Giuliana and Bill's show or read their book I Do, Now What? I highly recommend them. The book is great for any newly married couple (or any married couple for that matter!) and has tons of great advice. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it, and even the hubs has read a few chapters (though he won't admit to it I'm sure). They're an adoreable couple and I just can't get enough of them!
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| source |
I really connected with Giuliana and Bill by fluke right after my first miscarriage in February. Since I was pretty much bedridden (more by choice than anything) for like a week after the beginning, I had to find some new shows to watch. I had seen Giuliana and Bill a couple times before, but didn't know a whole lot about them or their show. She's a E! personality and he won The Apprentice. But, as I began watching the show, I learned about their struggles with fertility and the heartache they were experiencing as a result. Giuliana did finally get pregnant (thanks to IVF), only to suffer a miscarriage at 8 weeks.
That was it. We bonded immediately. She was my new bff, even though she doesn't know it. I felt so connected to them through our mutual heartache and grief, and as much as it breaks my heart to see someone else going through such an awful thing, I realized we were not alone. It doesn't matter who you are, how much money you have, what you do for a job... you are still at the mercy of God's will.
As I laid in bed watching their heartwrenching story play out through the episodes, I was grieving with them. Since I had never been through a loss like that before, I had no idea how to act or what to expect. I barely even knew about miscarriage or how common it is. Giuliana and Bill opened my eyes and helped me regain a positive attitude. If they weren't giving up after trying for so long, neither was I.
I praise Giuliana and Bill for being so open about their fertility issues and pregnancy loss. They are trying very hard to get rid of the negative stigma that surronds the topics of infertility and miscarriage and helping people realize that they don't have to suffer in silence. That they are not alone. This was exactly their message on The Doctors today, and I commend them for using their 'fame' as a means to communicate these issues.
If you haven't seen Giuliana and Bill's show or read their book I Do, Now What? I highly recommend them. The book is great for any newly married couple (or any married couple for that matter!) and has tons of great advice. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it, and even the hubs has read a few chapters (though he won't admit to it I'm sure). They're an adoreable couple and I just can't get enough of them!
5.24.2011
communicating in a foreign country
Moving to (or even just visiting) a foreign country can be a scary thing in itself. Add in the fact that the natives do not speak the same language as you do (or, at least, not as a first language) and it can be downright scary (and frustrating!). I can honestly say that the language barrier is the #1 thing that poses the greatest difficulty and inconvenience for the hubs and I.
I recieved a message the other day from a fellow American woman who is moving to Finland. She was looking for tips on communicating and how to best deal with the language barrier. Although we are not currently in Finland so language issues are not in the forefront of our minds with it being the off-season, I wanted to share with you all the pointers that I came up with, in hopes that it will help others, as well. Summer is also tourist season, so many of you may be able to put these to use on your upcoming vacation.
These tips will work for any country, though some of them incorporate Finnish culture and the stereotype of Finns tending to be very friendly, but extremely quiet and reserved (sometimes true, sometimes not). Even if English isn't your first language either, it still may help you when traveling (or moving) to a country that speaks a language that is foreign to you. You'll most likely be using English as your 'common language' to communicate with the natives, after all! :)
-It probably depends most on where in [insert country] you will be. If you're in a large city, you'll most likely be just fine. If you're further into the countryside... people may not speak English as well, or at least won't be as comfortable speaking it. The bigger the city, the more common English is, at least from my experience. That doesn't mean they don't know English- they all start learning it in school at a very young age- but (Finns, at least) are very shy to begin with, and even more-so when speaking a language that is foreign to them. The key is to be patient.
-I try and make anyone who I am speaking to feel very comfortable, and they seem to be more willing to open up and speak. They're afraid they will say something wrong or sound funny. I usually joke with friends or acquaintences how their English sounds wayyy better than my Finnish (it's true, after all!). If it's someone I talk to often, I also let them know how cool I think it is that they speak multiple languages. That's more than I can say of myself! They seem to be more confident when they are praised for their speaking :)
-Obviously going to stores or anywhere in public is a little intimidating. We still feel that way. My husband and I joke about how rich we'd be if we had a nickel for every time we said the phrase "Sorry, I only speak English..." It will never be "normal" for me, but you do get used to it. I've found that the best way to avoid some of the awkwardness of it is to make sure that when they greet you (such as a cashier at the grocery store) make sure to say a big, loud "Hello". Saying "hi" or "hey" can sound too much like their Finnish greeting, "hei" (pronounced "hey") so they don't catch on as easily, or if you greet them in Finnish ("moi", "hei", etc.) they will assume you speak Finnish. About 75% of the time I say Hello, they realize that I speak English and start speaking English off the bat from there. (note: it may be cool and exciting to use your newly acquired langauge skills, but if you're in a hurry, it only adds another step to the process. Save the showing off for the end and say "thank you" in their language, instead :) ).
-Another thing we found was the awkwardness of making phone calls. Anytime I called anywhere (to make a hair appointment, for example) I was never sure if I should just start speaking English, or if I should ask them if they speak English first. I usually went with the latter, and when I mentioned my concern to my Finnish friends, they agreed. They made a good point- it gives them a chance to "turn their brain on" to speaking English. If they're not ready for it, they most likely won't understand you the first time you say it. That way they're prepared and can gather their thoughts first, or pass the phone off to someone who does speak English.
I'd have to say the language barrier is my least favorite part of living in a different country, but it isn't horrible. The worst part is probably just not being able to get a full answer- like if you're at the store and want to know about a product. They'll tell you the basics, but probably won't get the big long speech of information you'd get from someone in your home country. The important part is just getting them to open up- once they feel comfortable, they speak English just fine!
 |
| source |
I recieved a message the other day from a fellow American woman who is moving to Finland. She was looking for tips on communicating and how to best deal with the language barrier. Although we are not currently in Finland so language issues are not in the forefront of our minds with it being the off-season, I wanted to share with you all the pointers that I came up with, in hopes that it will help others, as well. Summer is also tourist season, so many of you may be able to put these to use on your upcoming vacation.
These tips will work for any country, though some of them incorporate Finnish culture and the stereotype of Finns tending to be very friendly, but extremely quiet and reserved (sometimes true, sometimes not). Even if English isn't your first language either, it still may help you when traveling (or moving) to a country that speaks a language that is foreign to you. You'll most likely be using English as your 'common language' to communicate with the natives, after all! :)
-It probably depends most on where in [insert country] you will be. If you're in a large city, you'll most likely be just fine. If you're further into the countryside... people may not speak English as well, or at least won't be as comfortable speaking it. The bigger the city, the more common English is, at least from my experience. That doesn't mean they don't know English- they all start learning it in school at a very young age- but (Finns, at least) are very shy to begin with, and even more-so when speaking a language that is foreign to them. The key is to be patient.
-I try and make anyone who I am speaking to feel very comfortable, and they seem to be more willing to open up and speak. They're afraid they will say something wrong or sound funny. I usually joke with friends or acquaintences how their English sounds wayyy better than my Finnish (it's true, after all!). If it's someone I talk to often, I also let them know how cool I think it is that they speak multiple languages. That's more than I can say of myself! They seem to be more confident when they are praised for their speaking :)
-Obviously going to stores or anywhere in public is a little intimidating. We still feel that way. My husband and I joke about how rich we'd be if we had a nickel for every time we said the phrase "Sorry, I only speak English..." It will never be "normal" for me, but you do get used to it. I've found that the best way to avoid some of the awkwardness of it is to make sure that when they greet you (such as a cashier at the grocery store) make sure to say a big, loud "Hello". Saying "hi" or "hey" can sound too much like their Finnish greeting, "hei" (pronounced "hey") so they don't catch on as easily, or if you greet them in Finnish ("moi", "hei", etc.) they will assume you speak Finnish. About 75% of the time I say Hello, they realize that I speak English and start speaking English off the bat from there. (note: it may be cool and exciting to use your newly acquired langauge skills, but if you're in a hurry, it only adds another step to the process. Save the showing off for the end and say "thank you" in their language, instead :) ).
-Another thing we found was the awkwardness of making phone calls. Anytime I called anywhere (to make a hair appointment, for example) I was never sure if I should just start speaking English, or if I should ask them if they speak English first. I usually went with the latter, and when I mentioned my concern to my Finnish friends, they agreed. They made a good point- it gives them a chance to "turn their brain on" to speaking English. If they're not ready for it, they most likely won't understand you the first time you say it. That way they're prepared and can gather their thoughts first, or pass the phone off to someone who does speak English.
I'd have to say the language barrier is my least favorite part of living in a different country, but it isn't horrible. The worst part is probably just not being able to get a full answer- like if you're at the store and want to know about a product. They'll tell you the basics, but probably won't get the big long speech of information you'd get from someone in your home country. The important part is just getting them to open up- once they feel comfortable, they speak English just fine!
5.23.2011
... and I'm back in the game!
Phew... the end of the world indeed did not come and we all seem to have made it past the weekend. How many times are they going to claim it's "the end of the world" anyways? I'm not sure if I feel bad for the people who cashed in their life savings because they thought the end was really here, or if it's just good for a laugh. I can't be that cruel- so maybe a little of both.
And since the world is still spinning round, I decided it's time to get back in shape. For those of you who don't know, I love working out/exercising and, in particular, running. With everything that's been going on with my body, working out- or at least working out hard enough to sweat- has pretty much been a no-go for the past several months, which has been very hard for me. Since my body is now recovered from surgery, it's time to get my butt in gear (especially since I let myself 'eat my feelings' for a good week or two after- oops)!
So, the hubs joined me for my "first run back" today. It wasn't the prettiest sight in the world but I finished the full 5k and didn't die. I joked with J that it was a good thing I wasn't wearing his heart rate monitor because it probably would have been beeping and flashing "CALL 911" most of the time.
Off-the-charts heart rate aside, I have to say, it felt great. Part of the reason I love running so much is because of how it makes me feel after. First, the tiredness and achiness lets me know that I've done my body good. But it's also the sense of accomplishment that you feel- I just love it.
So, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure is coming up in our hometown (less than 2 weeks away!) and I've decided to run the 5k. My mother is a breast cancer survivor, and every year since she was diagnosed (just over 5 years now) a group of family and friends has gotten together to either walk or run in it. When I was pregnant, the plan was to walk the 1.25 mile course for this year. Now that plans have changed, I decided that I'd really like to run the 5k. It will be a great motivator to help me get back in shape without over-exerting myself, and, even better, it will be a great sense of achievement. I've felt like my body has failed me a lot in the past several months, and even though 5k isn't usually that big of a deal to me, conquering this goal and proving to my body that I am in control of it will be a wonderful mental boost.
Ahhh, it feels great to be back in the game :)
If you'd like to make a donation to the Susan G. Komen Foundation and support me on my run, I you can do so through my race website here.
And since the world is still spinning round, I decided it's time to get back in shape. For those of you who don't know, I love working out/exercising and, in particular, running. With everything that's been going on with my body, working out- or at least working out hard enough to sweat- has pretty much been a no-go for the past several months, which has been very hard for me. Since my body is now recovered from surgery, it's time to get my butt in gear (especially since I let myself 'eat my feelings' for a good week or two after- oops)!
So, the hubs joined me for my "first run back" today. It wasn't the prettiest sight in the world but I finished the full 5k and didn't die. I joked with J that it was a good thing I wasn't wearing his heart rate monitor because it probably would have been beeping and flashing "CALL 911" most of the time.
Off-the-charts heart rate aside, I have to say, it felt great. Part of the reason I love running so much is because of how it makes me feel after. First, the tiredness and achiness lets me know that I've done my body good. But it's also the sense of accomplishment that you feel- I just love it.
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| Post- Quarter Marathon 2010, where I took 4th place! :) |
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| check out this beauty the hubs captured last year... bahaha |
So, the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure is coming up in our hometown (less than 2 weeks away!) and I've decided to run the 5k. My mother is a breast cancer survivor, and every year since she was diagnosed (just over 5 years now) a group of family and friends has gotten together to either walk or run in it. When I was pregnant, the plan was to walk the 1.25 mile course for this year. Now that plans have changed, I decided that I'd really like to run the 5k. It will be a great motivator to help me get back in shape without over-exerting myself, and, even better, it will be a great sense of achievement. I've felt like my body has failed me a lot in the past several months, and even though 5k isn't usually that big of a deal to me, conquering this goal and proving to my body that I am in control of it will be a wonderful mental boost.
Ahhh, it feels great to be back in the game :)
If you'd like to make a donation to the Susan G. Komen Foundation and support me on my run, I you can do so through my race website here.
5.21.2011
ohhh, the irony
So, there we have it. That's what our crazy rollercoaster life has looked like in the past several months (months? is that all? it seems like it's been years...). Obviously since this blog is a blog about my life and my life has changed a lot recently, it will adapt along with me. I want to incorporate stories and posts about pregnancy loss and trying to have a baby (both our journey and in general) in my writing and hopefully do my little part in the world to help make pregnancy loss not such a scary thing to talk about.
I find the title of my blog to be continuously ironic, and even though my blog will now be including topics in addition to 'hockey life', I think it is still very fitting. Things are constantly changing in our lives, there is no 'normal'. The few things that I thought I actually did have control of in this crazy hockey life have proved me wrong. Changes come in the matter of an instant, and our whole lives can be turned upside down once again. All we can do is adapt.
I am excited for you all to follow along in our journey. Whether you're here to read about hockey, babies, pregnancy&miscarriage, or any of the other thoughts and stories I'll be bringing to the table, I hope you are able to find plenty to peak your interest. And hey, maybe you'll even learn something new! If you enjoy reading, don't forget to become a follower and enter your e-mail address to stay up to date with what's going on :)
I sure hope it's not really the end of the world today... there is still so much more I want to accomplish! Enjoy your Saturday, and hope we all make it to see Sunday! ;)
I find the title of my blog to be continuously ironic, and even though my blog will now be including topics in addition to 'hockey life', I think it is still very fitting. Things are constantly changing in our lives, there is no 'normal'. The few things that I thought I actually did have control of in this crazy hockey life have proved me wrong. Changes come in the matter of an instant, and our whole lives can be turned upside down once again. All we can do is adapt.
I am excited for you all to follow along in our journey. Whether you're here to read about hockey, babies, pregnancy&miscarriage, or any of the other thoughts and stories I'll be bringing to the table, I hope you are able to find plenty to peak your interest. And hey, maybe you'll even learn something new! If you enjoy reading, don't forget to become a follower and enter your e-mail address to stay up to date with what's going on :)
I sure hope it's not really the end of the world today... there is still so much more I want to accomplish! Enjoy your Saturday, and hope we all make it to see Sunday! ;)
5.20.2011
only time will tell
Well, I honestly don't even know where to start with getting you all caught up to speed... so excuse me if my thoughts are a little scattered. It's been a complete rollercoaster the last 4 months or so, and I can't even express in writing all of the intense feelings I have felt in this time.
Remember this post from back in February about the guys' outdoor "Winter Classic" game and how awesome it was? Well, it was, indeed, awesome.... but for me, not so much. For me, it marked my 6th (known) day of my first ever pregnancy, and, unfortunately, the last.
We found out the previous Sunday- January 30th- that we were expecting our first little "Baby D." We had just started "pulling the goalie" that month (sorry, had to use the lame hockey reference to lighten things up a bit :) ) and had no idea what to expect. So, needless to say, we were over the moon (and have the pictures from that afternoon to prove it!) That week was spent shopping for What to Expect When You're Expecting and The Everything Daddy-to-Be books, making sure our already healthy diets were even healthier, and quietly sharing our elated-ness with eachother.
We had no idea our whole little bubble of excitement would be turned upside down in a matter of a week. And on the same day as the Winter Classic game, none-the-less. By Saturday morning, we had a pretty good idea that our happy little lives may not be happy for much longer. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed under the covers and not come out for a week or two, and I know J would have been right there with me. But, there are no 'sick' or 'personal' days in hockey- certainly not on the day of the biggest game of the year. You just keep on keepin' on...
I was already planning to host the other wives' & girlfriends at our place before the game, since we lived right next to the stadium. Since no one knew I was pregnant (& we weren't even positive what was 'wrong') I dried my tears and put my best big-girl smile on. It was, after all, the biggest game of the year- no way I was missing that!
Things got progressively worse during the game, and on top of that, the hubs was struggling out there. Funny thing is, I didn't even notice him having a rough time with everything I had going on in my head (which, for those of you who know me, is a huge surprise. I am the queen of critiquing his play- good and bad!) As cool and exciting as the game was, I wanted to get the heck out of there... FAST. I missed the after-party with the team & hubs had to make a quick appearance and book it home to be by my side. Sure, the party wasn't that big of a deal.... but I can think of about a million places I'd have rather been than in our bed having that experience that night.
It absolutely broke my heart that the experience of that game was ruined for both of us. Could not have been worse timing. And, oh, that's not all of my sob story. Not even close. I not only had to run home that night to tend to my body, but I was supposed to hop on Skype to talk with my Grandpa whose cancer was getting progressively worse and wasn't expected to make it more than a couple weeks. Once again, time to put on my big girl face and act like I just had the time of my life at the game. The emotions of everything- the miscarriage, my Grandpa- were some of the most overwhelming I've ever felt. I'm crying just sitting here thinking about it.
As difficult as it was, I am eternally thankful that I was able to talk to and see my Grandpa that night on Skype. It broke my heart to be so far away at the very end of his life. He was such a wonderful man and has provided me with so many amazing childhood memories that I will never, ever forget. I am lucky to have called him "Grandpa" (even though my biological grandfather had passed away before I was born) and am so happy to have had him in my life. He passed away the following Friday.
Throughout the next couple days after the Winter Classic game, our fears were confirmed. I had an early miscarriage at right around 5 weeks. It all happened naturally, and by the time I saw the doctor that Wednesday it was complete. We were crushed, and as bad of timing it was when it had started, the day after the "Winter Classic" started a week-long break in the league, which helped so much. We skipped town to Stockholm to have a few much needed days away. After returning from Stockholm, the grief was (slowly) wearing and we were starting to accept our fate. The doctor had put no restrictions on trying again, so we began right away.
In the meantime, exactly one week after my Grandpa passed away, my Uncle passed away from cancer as well. I don't think our hearts could have taken much more at that point. February 2011 was officially the.worst.month.ever. "At least it's the shortest month" is the only positive thing I could think of to keep reminding myself.
So, February's twenty-eight days finally came and went, and we were onto March. Whew, we made it out alive. Not long into the new month- 9 days to be exact- we learned that we were pregnant again (!!). We were soooo excited, and shocked. We had no idea it would happen so fast. But this time, there was a new feeling in the air as well: fear. The first pregnancy was so ignorantly blissful- we would have never imagined those first days that our sweet little one wouldn't make it. Miscarriage? Nah, not us. We're 24. We're beyond healthy. That sort of thing only happened to older couples or people who lived unhealthy lifestyles, didn't it? WRONG. Now we were living with the knowledge that it can happen to us, we're not immune to miscarriage. Pregnancy loss doesn't discrimiate.
We decided to be "cautiously optimistic" this time around and would take it week by week, day by day. My first doctor's appointment was scheduled for March 30th, which seemed like an eternity away. Until then, all we could do was make sure I was doing everything right, and that dreaded four letter word: wait. The days came and went, and finallllllllllllly March 30th came. By this point, the guys had lost out of the first round of playoffs 2 days before and we were scheduled to head home April 2nd. I was terrified sitting and waiting at the doctor, not knowing what to expect. We went in, she flipped on the ultrasound screen, and there it was. Our little peanut, heartbeat flickering and all. He/she only looked like a little blob, but it was amazing. On top of that, we dated almost a full week ahead (7weeks 4days) of what I had predicted- skipping ahead a week? we'll take it! Plus, we also knew that the risk of miscarriage greatly drops once you see a heartbeat. Ahhh, a sigh of relief. We celebrated with lunch at Pizza Hut (one of our go-to's in Finland when we're missing home) and could not stop thinking and talking about all of the exciting things to come in our life.
I was a little nervous for our long plane ride home to the U.S. thanks to some of the lovely pregnancy symptoms I was having. I cringe going to the bathrooms on planes in the first place (and will only do so when it's a realllly long flight, no matter how bad I have to go) and here I was, going every hour. Gross. Not to mention the lovely nausea- however, that was made better with the help of "sea bands"- bracelets used for motion sickness (I highly recommend them!). And the worst part- the hunger! I have a crazy appetite as it is, much less when my body is requiring extra calories and has a revved up metabolism. I swear the flight attendant wanted to strangle me when J kept asking for more pretzels, crackers and Sprite for his wife... (I'm sure if I had had a big round, obviously pregnant belly at that point, she would have felt bad for the 'poor pregnant lady' and happily gave them to me, instead of basically throwing them at us). But, we made it all in one piece.
We told our parents within a day or two of getting home. We had told them about the miscarriage in February, so the "Surprise! You're going to be grandparents!" element was already kind of ruined anyways. Plus, we now had pictures of our little peanut and stories about seeing the heartbeat to share. I was 8 weeks and some days at this point, and we were feeling pretty confident. And speaking of 'feeling' things- I sure was feeling the pregnancy symptoms, alright. Every night I went to bed with a big, bloated, full belly... and every morning I woke up (at 6am) starving and reaching for the pretzels I'd left on the nightstand the night before in anticiaption. The fatigue was crazy- most nights I fell asleep on the couch or in a chair well before 8pm. I can't imagine what it would have been like had I been working full time. I don't know how those ladies do it! But as obnoxious as these crazy symptoms were, they kept a big, huge smile on my face, because surely it meant everything it was going right. Right?
The first weeks of April we also happened to be staying at my in-laws, so we didn't have any unpacking or moving to do yet. Lots of free time on our hands, which meant lots of planning, prepping and daydreaming. We couldn't stop thinking about our little one- was it a boy or a girl, what he/she would look like, names, etc. I had the thoughts all planned out in my head: we would find out the sex in middle-late June, just in time to go crazy at all of the adoreable little baby stores before we head back to Finland in July. We bought more books, even a little outfit or two (unisex of course, just for fun!) and were (this) close to buying a stroller and carseat (we know exactly what one we want, and got pretty excited about it before we realized we better slow down a bit). We had all kinds of time on our hands before we moved into our place and before my doctor's appointment on April 20th, and we spent the majority of it planning for "Baby D."
Then, the day of my appointment was finally here. We knew we'd be getting an ultrasound, and were so excited to see our little peanut again, but this time looking more like a little human than a blob. As I saw our little one appear on the screen, my heart started to race. I knew instantly that it should be bigger than what I was seeing (I should know, I had googled what 10w 4d ultrasounds look like, after all <-- wow, that makes me sound like one of those crazy, intense pregnant ladies! I'm not, I swear!) and when she clicked around to measure the baby it showed up "8w2d". My heart sank. I frantically searched the screen for that beautiful little flickering heartbeat, but it wasn't so apparent like it was last time. Then, she uttered the most heart-shattering of words: "There doesn't seem to be a heartbeat. I'm so sorry."
I froze. It took a minute or two for the reality to sink in before I started to cry. I looked over at J. He was crushed also. The doctor gave us a couple minutes, then sent us down to have a more thourough ultrasound done to be sure. Before we knew it, we were scheduling my D&C surgery for the following Tuesday- the day after J's birthday. I was supposed to be carrying out the Your Pregnancy Week by Week book and pamphlets along with beautiful ultrasound pictures of our baby and a huge smile on my face. Instead all I got was a packet about miscarriage and my upcoming surgery, which instantly became stained from teardrops.
The rest of that week and Easter were really rough, I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch and sob & yearn for my baby. It made me sick to my stomach knowing that my sweet little baby was inside of me, but no longer living. I felt like I had failed him or her, bigtime. Millions of thoughts ran through our heads over the few weeks following- Why us? Why did this happen? What did we do wrong? among many, many, many other things. I kicked and screamed and cried- All I wanted was for my baby back. This wasn't supposed to happen, not again!
It has been an absolutely devistating time, and I can honestly say, our lives will never be the same. The emotional pain has by far outweighed the physical pain of it all. There are still so many questions left unanswered, and many of them will probably stay that way. I really cannot even put into words what this experience has been like, or all of the different emotions I have felt, but I'm going to try, through this blog. My perspective, my outlook on life, has all changed. The feelings are still very raw, but the "acceptance" stage has once again set in that we will no longer get to meet our little one in November. We're back to square one and I have no idea where life will take us from here. Only time will tell.
*J and I agreed for me to write about such a personal time in our lives for a couple reasons. One, the support we have gotten from opening up to family and friends has been amazing. It's been very theraputic to talk to other people about this difficult time in our lives and know that we have their love, support and prayers. It's amazing how many people you find out have had similar troubles or experiences that you just never knew about until it gets brought up. That's another reason why I really wanted to write about it- I hate the fact that miscarriage & pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject. If it's so common, why doesn't anyone speak about it? The grief that couples experience with pregnancy loss is not any less significant than another loss. Each was an individual child that was extremely loved, cared for, and dreamt about. I know first-hand how great the support feels as a grieving person, and I cannot simply turn my head, shut my mouth, look the other way and move on like nothing has happened. It's said that anywhere from 15-25% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, so where the heck are all the other couples who've experienced a similar loss? Are they suffering in silence? How come it takes one person to "come out" about their troubles for all the rest to come out of the woodwork with their stories? I want the other suffering women and men (hey, men grieve, too!) to know they are not alone and that they don't have to suffer in silence. So, that's my third and final reason. If we can help or inspire even one person through my blog, then I'm a happy woman.
Remember this post from back in February about the guys' outdoor "Winter Classic" game and how awesome it was? Well, it was, indeed, awesome.... but for me, not so much. For me, it marked my 6th (known) day of my first ever pregnancy, and, unfortunately, the last.
We found out the previous Sunday- January 30th- that we were expecting our first little "Baby D." We had just started "pulling the goalie" that month (sorry, had to use the lame hockey reference to lighten things up a bit :) ) and had no idea what to expect. So, needless to say, we were over the moon (and have the pictures from that afternoon to prove it!) That week was spent shopping for What to Expect When You're Expecting and The Everything Daddy-to-Be books, making sure our already healthy diets were even healthier, and quietly sharing our elated-ness with eachother.
We had no idea our whole little bubble of excitement would be turned upside down in a matter of a week. And on the same day as the Winter Classic game, none-the-less. By Saturday morning, we had a pretty good idea that our happy little lives may not be happy for much longer. I wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed under the covers and not come out for a week or two, and I know J would have been right there with me. But, there are no 'sick' or 'personal' days in hockey- certainly not on the day of the biggest game of the year. You just keep on keepin' on...
I was already planning to host the other wives' & girlfriends at our place before the game, since we lived right next to the stadium. Since no one knew I was pregnant (& we weren't even positive what was 'wrong') I dried my tears and put my best big-girl smile on. It was, after all, the biggest game of the year- no way I was missing that!
Things got progressively worse during the game, and on top of that, the hubs was struggling out there. Funny thing is, I didn't even notice him having a rough time with everything I had going on in my head (which, for those of you who know me, is a huge surprise. I am the queen of critiquing his play- good and bad!) As cool and exciting as the game was, I wanted to get the heck out of there... FAST. I missed the after-party with the team & hubs had to make a quick appearance and book it home to be by my side. Sure, the party wasn't that big of a deal.... but I can think of about a million places I'd have rather been than in our bed having that experience that night.
It absolutely broke my heart that the experience of that game was ruined for both of us. Could not have been worse timing. And, oh, that's not all of my sob story. Not even close. I not only had to run home that night to tend to my body, but I was supposed to hop on Skype to talk with my Grandpa whose cancer was getting progressively worse and wasn't expected to make it more than a couple weeks. Once again, time to put on my big girl face and act like I just had the time of my life at the game. The emotions of everything- the miscarriage, my Grandpa- were some of the most overwhelming I've ever felt. I'm crying just sitting here thinking about it.
As difficult as it was, I am eternally thankful that I was able to talk to and see my Grandpa that night on Skype. It broke my heart to be so far away at the very end of his life. He was such a wonderful man and has provided me with so many amazing childhood memories that I will never, ever forget. I am lucky to have called him "Grandpa" (even though my biological grandfather had passed away before I was born) and am so happy to have had him in my life. He passed away the following Friday.
Throughout the next couple days after the Winter Classic game, our fears were confirmed. I had an early miscarriage at right around 5 weeks. It all happened naturally, and by the time I saw the doctor that Wednesday it was complete. We were crushed, and as bad of timing it was when it had started, the day after the "Winter Classic" started a week-long break in the league, which helped so much. We skipped town to Stockholm to have a few much needed days away. After returning from Stockholm, the grief was (slowly) wearing and we were starting to accept our fate. The doctor had put no restrictions on trying again, so we began right away.
In the meantime, exactly one week after my Grandpa passed away, my Uncle passed away from cancer as well. I don't think our hearts could have taken much more at that point. February 2011 was officially the.worst.month.ever. "At least it's the shortest month" is the only positive thing I could think of to keep reminding myself.
So, February's twenty-eight days finally came and went, and we were onto March. Whew, we made it out alive. Not long into the new month- 9 days to be exact- we learned that we were pregnant again (!!). We were soooo excited, and shocked. We had no idea it would happen so fast. But this time, there was a new feeling in the air as well: fear. The first pregnancy was so ignorantly blissful- we would have never imagined those first days that our sweet little one wouldn't make it. Miscarriage? Nah, not us. We're 24. We're beyond healthy. That sort of thing only happened to older couples or people who lived unhealthy lifestyles, didn't it? WRONG. Now we were living with the knowledge that it can happen to us, we're not immune to miscarriage. Pregnancy loss doesn't discrimiate.
We decided to be "cautiously optimistic" this time around and would take it week by week, day by day. My first doctor's appointment was scheduled for March 30th, which seemed like an eternity away. Until then, all we could do was make sure I was doing everything right, and that dreaded four letter word: wait. The days came and went, and finallllllllllllly March 30th came. By this point, the guys had lost out of the first round of playoffs 2 days before and we were scheduled to head home April 2nd. I was terrified sitting and waiting at the doctor, not knowing what to expect. We went in, she flipped on the ultrasound screen, and there it was. Our little peanut, heartbeat flickering and all. He/she only looked like a little blob, but it was amazing. On top of that, we dated almost a full week ahead (7weeks 4days) of what I had predicted- skipping ahead a week? we'll take it! Plus, we also knew that the risk of miscarriage greatly drops once you see a heartbeat. Ahhh, a sigh of relief. We celebrated with lunch at Pizza Hut (one of our go-to's in Finland when we're missing home) and could not stop thinking and talking about all of the exciting things to come in our life.
I was a little nervous for our long plane ride home to the U.S. thanks to some of the lovely pregnancy symptoms I was having. I cringe going to the bathrooms on planes in the first place (and will only do so when it's a realllly long flight, no matter how bad I have to go) and here I was, going every hour. Gross. Not to mention the lovely nausea- however, that was made better with the help of "sea bands"- bracelets used for motion sickness (I highly recommend them!). And the worst part- the hunger! I have a crazy appetite as it is, much less when my body is requiring extra calories and has a revved up metabolism. I swear the flight attendant wanted to strangle me when J kept asking for more pretzels, crackers and Sprite for his wife... (I'm sure if I had had a big round, obviously pregnant belly at that point, she would have felt bad for the 'poor pregnant lady' and happily gave them to me, instead of basically throwing them at us). But, we made it all in one piece.
We told our parents within a day or two of getting home. We had told them about the miscarriage in February, so the "Surprise! You're going to be grandparents!" element was already kind of ruined anyways. Plus, we now had pictures of our little peanut and stories about seeing the heartbeat to share. I was 8 weeks and some days at this point, and we were feeling pretty confident. And speaking of 'feeling' things- I sure was feeling the pregnancy symptoms, alright. Every night I went to bed with a big, bloated, full belly... and every morning I woke up (at 6am) starving and reaching for the pretzels I'd left on the nightstand the night before in anticiaption. The fatigue was crazy- most nights I fell asleep on the couch or in a chair well before 8pm. I can't imagine what it would have been like had I been working full time. I don't know how those ladies do it! But as obnoxious as these crazy symptoms were, they kept a big, huge smile on my face, because surely it meant everything it was going right. Right?
The first weeks of April we also happened to be staying at my in-laws, so we didn't have any unpacking or moving to do yet. Lots of free time on our hands, which meant lots of planning, prepping and daydreaming. We couldn't stop thinking about our little one- was it a boy or a girl, what he/she would look like, names, etc. I had the thoughts all planned out in my head: we would find out the sex in middle-late June, just in time to go crazy at all of the adoreable little baby stores before we head back to Finland in July. We bought more books, even a little outfit or two (unisex of course, just for fun!) and were (this) close to buying a stroller and carseat (we know exactly what one we want, and got pretty excited about it before we realized we better slow down a bit). We had all kinds of time on our hands before we moved into our place and before my doctor's appointment on April 20th, and we spent the majority of it planning for "Baby D."
Then, the day of my appointment was finally here. We knew we'd be getting an ultrasound, and were so excited to see our little peanut again, but this time looking more like a little human than a blob. As I saw our little one appear on the screen, my heart started to race. I knew instantly that it should be bigger than what I was seeing (I should know, I had googled what 10w 4d ultrasounds look like, after all <-- wow, that makes me sound like one of those crazy, intense pregnant ladies! I'm not, I swear!) and when she clicked around to measure the baby it showed up "8w2d". My heart sank. I frantically searched the screen for that beautiful little flickering heartbeat, but it wasn't so apparent like it was last time. Then, she uttered the most heart-shattering of words: "There doesn't seem to be a heartbeat. I'm so sorry."
I froze. It took a minute or two for the reality to sink in before I started to cry. I looked over at J. He was crushed also. The doctor gave us a couple minutes, then sent us down to have a more thourough ultrasound done to be sure. Before we knew it, we were scheduling my D&C surgery for the following Tuesday- the day after J's birthday. I was supposed to be carrying out the Your Pregnancy Week by Week book and pamphlets along with beautiful ultrasound pictures of our baby and a huge smile on my face. Instead all I got was a packet about miscarriage and my upcoming surgery, which instantly became stained from teardrops.
The rest of that week and Easter were really rough, I didn't want to do anything but lay on the couch and sob & yearn for my baby. It made me sick to my stomach knowing that my sweet little baby was inside of me, but no longer living. I felt like I had failed him or her, bigtime. Millions of thoughts ran through our heads over the few weeks following- Why us? Why did this happen? What did we do wrong? among many, many, many other things. I kicked and screamed and cried- All I wanted was for my baby back. This wasn't supposed to happen, not again!
It has been an absolutely devistating time, and I can honestly say, our lives will never be the same. The emotional pain has by far outweighed the physical pain of it all. There are still so many questions left unanswered, and many of them will probably stay that way. I really cannot even put into words what this experience has been like, or all of the different emotions I have felt, but I'm going to try, through this blog. My perspective, my outlook on life, has all changed. The feelings are still very raw, but the "acceptance" stage has once again set in that we will no longer get to meet our little one in November. We're back to square one and I have no idea where life will take us from here. Only time will tell.
*J and I agreed for me to write about such a personal time in our lives for a couple reasons. One, the support we have gotten from opening up to family and friends has been amazing. It's been very theraputic to talk to other people about this difficult time in our lives and know that we have their love, support and prayers. It's amazing how many people you find out have had similar troubles or experiences that you just never knew about until it gets brought up. That's another reason why I really wanted to write about it- I hate the fact that miscarriage & pregnancy loss is such a taboo subject. If it's so common, why doesn't anyone speak about it? The grief that couples experience with pregnancy loss is not any less significant than another loss. Each was an individual child that was extremely loved, cared for, and dreamt about. I know first-hand how great the support feels as a grieving person, and I cannot simply turn my head, shut my mouth, look the other way and move on like nothing has happened. It's said that anywhere from 15-25% of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, so where the heck are all the other couples who've experienced a similar loss? Are they suffering in silence? How come it takes one person to "come out" about their troubles for all the rest to come out of the woodwork with their stories? I want the other suffering women and men (hey, men grieve, too!) to know they are not alone and that they don't have to suffer in silence. So, that's my third and final reason. If we can help or inspire even one person through my blog, then I'm a happy woman.
5.18.2011
Slowly but surely making progress on this whole new-blog-look thing :) Just when I get frustrated and start thinking I'm totally computer illiterate, I surprise myself and learn something new. Anyways, there may be a lot of different looks over the next week or so that come and go. I ask you to please excuse them as I work on perfecting my new site. I feel like leaving it open and playing around with it as-is is a lot more effective than shutting it down for a week.... so bear with me :) I promise, I'll explain the changes and get everything caught up asap!
On another note... did anyone watch American Idol tonight? I was so excited to have those 3 as the "Top 3"... they are my favorites that I've been voting for all along! I decided I can't vote tonight though, because I wouldn't know who to pick. It's either vote for all 3, or none at all... so I figured I'd save my time (and text messages) and go with none. Can't it just be all 3 in the finale!? I never thought I'd still be watching this show 10 years later... but it's amazing what you start to watch (and get hooked on!) when you're bored in another country. The supsense is killing me... tomorrow night can't come soon enough!
On another note... did anyone watch American Idol tonight? I was so excited to have those 3 as the "Top 3"... they are my favorites that I've been voting for all along! I decided I can't vote tonight though, because I wouldn't know who to pick. It's either vote for all 3, or none at all... so I figured I'd save my time (and text messages) and go with none. Can't it just be all 3 in the finale!? I never thought I'd still be watching this show 10 years later... but it's amazing what you start to watch (and get hooked on!) when you're bored in another country. The supsense is killing me... tomorrow night can't come soon enough!
5.17.2011
i'm alive, i swear . . . .
I know, I know... it's been over a month since I've written a new post. And even longer since I've written on a regular basis. But I'm on my way back to the blog world... for realllllll this time.
There has been a ton of stuff going on in the"adventures" lives of C and J (sounds like it should be a book or something, huh?) that has kept me from posting on a daily (or weekly, or monthly...) basis. But I've decided that I'm back and I'm ready to share... the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I've got all kinds of new ideas to refresh the site in my head, and working on getting them down onto paper so I can hopefully follow through and make them a reality. My life has changed a lot in the last few months, and I think that it only makes sense for my little corner of the world wide web to evolve along with me. This is a blog about my life, after all! :)
So be sure to come back soon to check in on what's been going on. Lots of stories and changes to come, so pick a night to grab a glass of wine (or a beer, we don't discriminate!) and curl up with the computer to see what's new.
There has been a ton of stuff going on in the
I've got all kinds of new ideas to refresh the site in my head, and working on getting them down onto paper so I can hopefully follow through and make them a reality. My life has changed a lot in the last few months, and I think that it only makes sense for my little corner of the world wide web to evolve along with me. This is a blog about my life, after all! :)
So be sure to come back soon to check in on what's been going on. Lots of stories and changes to come, so pick a night to grab a glass of wine (or a beer, we don't discriminate!) and curl up with the computer to see what's new.
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